Dealing with Situational Anxiety
Dealing with Situational Anxiety | Outfit Details
Dress: RP Everyday Collection // Shoes: Target // Purse: Amazon // Necklace: Kendra Scott // Necklace: Made By Mary // Earrings: Kendra Scott
Dealing with Situational Anxiety | Why I Am Writing This
I have been thinking about writing this post for a long time. Thinking about it gives me anxiety. Actually starting to write it, makes my head spin. This was such a personal, embarrassing experience, that I hid from it for a while. Other people whispered about it behind my back but never brought it up to me. After a few years, I owned it. I started talking about it. But I never advertised that it happened. I am not proud of it. I have been writing this post for at least a year now. I was so proud of my friend Nicole over at What Nicole Wore for opening up about her mental health last year. I thought I could never be that open about my mental health.
But now, 9 years later, I know that what happened was an anxiety induced episode. I didn't think I had the kind of anxiety that needed to be treated daily and I didn't. I do have something called situational anxiety. In my case, I let the anxiety build up and I acted irrationally thinking I was fixing what was going on in my head. To this day, there are parts of this story that I don't actually remember. I have been able to piece together the entire story based on other people who were there.
Dealing with Situational Anxiety | My Story
I was only 17 and I had started college in a tiny town in the West, so far away from my home in Virginia. I chose it though. I didn't want to go to a college in Virginia like everyone else I went to high school was. I wanted to go and do something on my own, in a new place. I had a serious boyfriend that I had been dating for most of my senior year of high school. He had chosen to go to school in the South so we were doing long distance.
I moved into my dorm, into a private room that had a shared bathroom and living space. There were 8 girls in this dorm, sharing 2 bathrooms. I never considered myself a clean person but after moving into that dorm, I cleaned my room every day. I mean full on cleaned. I couldn't stand how the rest of the apartment was and my space was the only thing I could control. I was taking 12 credits worth of classes because I wanted to take a break after doing the International Baccalaureate program in high school. I was hardly eating, and working out when I wasn't in class. I wasn't making friends. Only a few weeks into school, a family friend was visiting her own kids on campus and came to see me. She knew something was wrong. She even told my parents that something was wrong but they weren't sure what to do. This is where my memory of events ends.
A few days later, I had packed a bag containing a few clothes and all of my purses, bought an airline ticket with the credit card my parents had given me, left a note for my roommates and I left. I found my way to the closest airport that was 2 hours away and got on my flight. I flew to my boyfriend in the South. One of my roommates found the note before my flight landed. I had dozens of voicemails from my parents when I turned my phone back on. My boyfriend picked me up from the airport and took me to his grandparent's house. I had decided I was going to transfer schools. Looking back, I feel terrible that I did this to him and his family. The idea to do this was mine alone and I really hadn't told anyone what I was doing. My parents jumped on a plane and were there the next day. My boyfriend and I met with my parents in their hotel. My parents gave me 3 choices. I could stay where I was, and they wouldn't support me financially. I could go back to school and we could move forward. Or I could go home and we could figure out how to proceed from there.
At this point, my parent's asked that I call and talk to my psychiatrist. I had been seeing her every month since I was 16, she had diagnosed me with ADD. They wanted me to have a conversation with someone who might understand what was going on in my head. She and I talked and she told me that I had an anxiety induced episode. I needed to get on an anti-anxiety medication in order to move forward. She called a prescription into the nearest pharmacy so I could get on the meds right away.
I made the smart decision to go back to school. My mom flew back with me. I remember walking through the Vegas airport with her. That is probably the only clear memory I have of the entire experience. She got me back to school and stayed a week to help me get settled back in. We met with the dean of students and I got a medical waiver for the classes I missed.
After my mom went home, I started a new normal. I talked to my psychiatrist every week. I stayed on the anti-anxiety meds for about 6 months, until we agreed that I was ready to come off of them. I continued to exercise but I was eating more. I went out and made friends. I moved out of my dorm at the end of my first semester and moved into the complex my cousin was living in. I took it one day at a time.
Dealing with Situational Anxiety | Situational Anxiety
I learned from my doctor that the anxiety from leaving home, starting school, being in a strange place, and having a long distance relationship caused me to become irrational. I made decisions that I never would have made if I was in my right mind. When I learned this, I was terrified. What if this happened again? What if I did this when I had my first baby? How could I move forward, knowing that this was something that could happen again?
Luckily, I had an amazing doctor. She worked with me to figure out what my triggers are. I learned that packing a suit case gives me anxiety. I have been traveling my entire life and I love doing it but it can cause a huge amount of anxiety for me. So I pack a week in advance. Being able to slowly pack, reduces my anxiety. I need to have organization. When my life is organized and I am in control of my to do list and my schedule, I can reduce my anxiety. I keep a paper planner and every thing is color coded. I keep my house clean and organized so I can see where everything is and I know where to find something when I need it. Living in a new place is terrifying. Which is funny to me now because after I started college, I moved more than I stayed in one place.
Dealing with Situational Anxiety | How I Cope
Looking back, I realize that what happened was because of a mental health issue. And that isn't something I need to hide. I didn't hurt anyone. I didn't hurt myself. I had a major anxiety attack and acted irrationally. Now that I know my triggers, I know how to avoid them and how to reduce my anxiety. When I do feel it creep up on me, I exercise more. I talk to someone about it. I acknowledge that my anxiety is there but I don't allow it to take over like it did before.
I have also realized that not talking about what happened is worse than talking about it. I have told people what happened but only people I trust. Now I am putting the entire thing out on the Internet. And that is ok.
I know now that I had minor anxiety attacks when I was younger. I can remember laying in bed, worrying about something that was going to happen the next day. Whether it was something at school or going to a family event. I felt small, like the walls in my room were closing in around me. My heart would race and I had a pit in my stomach. I didn't know what was going on at the time but I thought it had to be normal. Keeping to a schedule and taking my ADD medication helps with those minor attacks. I don't have them very often anymore and when I do, I know how to move through them. Yoga has down a lot to help me learn how to breathe through an anxiety attack.
Dealing with Situational Anxiety | How It Affects Me Now
9 years later, I know how to handle my anxiety. It is something that will always be with me, no matter what. Many people don't know that anxiety and ADD/ADHD go hand in hand. I didn't know that. Now I know what triggers my anxiety, so I can either avoid those things or I can work through them. I know that if I have too much time to sit around and listen to myself think, I will make myself anxious. I know that if something is causing my anxiety, I need to talk to someone about it so that they can be aware of what is going on.
I am not perfect in how I handle my anxiety. I just do what is best for me. Hopefully sharing this post has helped someone who is dealing with something similar.